Weekly Report: Trespassers Will Be Hugged


Foxy Mamas it’s time to boogie on down.  - The Famous Jet Jackson

The Setting: Saturday afternoon and the Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons is playing at your apartment. You saw Jersey Boys over Christmas with your family, appreciate the energy and story behind the music, and are pretty excited about the pending game night ahead.  Two I am comfortable pooping at your apartment friends (the ultimate sign of trust and true friendship) are hanging out, chatting, watching some football.  Everyone is eating an apple.

Haven’t posted on here forever mainly because I recently realized how stupid the name of the site is then discussed it with a few friends who confirmed my thoughts.  If we were ranking ideas/decisions of mine on a scale of movie star rankings with Leonardo DiCaprio  at the top and Nicky Cage being the bottom, the name would fall somewhere in between Vin Diesel in The Pacifier and Adam Sandler in Mr. Deeds.

Sometimes you just wanna tell some stories so I laced up the cleats for another go around.  If you are reading this, welcome.  Thanks for joining me.

Top Links 

Music - Timeflies Tuesday: Die Young

Comedy - Kevin Nealon on Conan – Racist Ski Trails

GIF – Kansas Basketball Team Dance

hot item…

LL Bean Fleece-Lined Flannel Throw

My mom has an all time batting average of 1,000 when it comes to getting me gifts.  Constantly hitting the ball into the playing field and really making it happen in the clutch.  She always plays like its a tie ball game in the bottom of the 9th.  This Christmas was no different as I received this impressive quilt fleece combo.  Folks, it doesn’t get much better.

the feeling you get when…

You threw a party at your house, a few NFL prospects from your college football team showed up, and a bunch of cans are wandering around your house up all over.  After a few nights like this, you and your roommates take the cans to the store and get ten cents a pop per can.  Routinely tack on a $30 credit to your grocery bill.

Walking into an apartment, hearing that Sugar Ray song you listened to when you were the pitcher on the 5th grade school baseball team (put me in coach), and cracking a grin because you know it’s going to be a fun night.

A ridiculous episode of Parks & Rec or Modern Family.  Most recently I am thinking about the episode in which Phil has the house to himself for the weekend.  Through a series of events, he ends up inviting this fella named Dave over (played by Matthew Broderick) who he met at the gym playing racquetball.  Dave thinks he is on a date, somehow knows Cam as well who keeps giving him dating advice, hilarity ensues.  There are a few other twists that just make for a great situation.  Really happy someone thought that up.

S’mores at a campfire.

getting to that age when you start going to dinner parties and board game nights regularly…

Recently, a bunch of us have been getting together on nights previously reserved for button down Polos and vodka sold in plastic containers and trying out some different games.  Two games have really stood out.

First, a game called Wizard.  I played this once when I was in Montreal with my friend Pascale during the summer of 2010.  Hell of a trip by the way, if you ever have the chance to visit, don’t think about it, just go.  I got to go on this wild boat tour thing roaring through these rapids and getting absolutely soaked in the process which was great because it was pretty hot out that day.  Talk about a great adventure.  Outstanding city.

team looking fresh in life vests

team looking fresh in life vests

My friend Nate texted me the other day wanting to get a game together.  I didn’t even remember I had played until he whipped out the deck.  Really interesting strategy to this game and it only heats up towards the end.  Rules are a little something like this:

The Wizard deck is similar to a regular deck of playing cards with the addition of four Wizards and four Jesters. Jesters always lose and Wizards always win. In the first round, players start out with one card. In the second round, players are deal two cards, and so on, with each round becoming more challenging. When you make your exact bid, you earn points. If you take too many or too few tricks, you lose points. The special, custom Wizard Score Sheet helps players keep track of bids and points. Wizard Card Game can be played with 2-6 players.

   The second game doesn’t have a name I know about but goes a little something like this.  Someone says the name of an animal and you have ten seconds to draw something.  Everyone then passes in their piece of paper with their drawing and the person who said the name of the animal chooses which drawing they like this best.  Check it.

 

closing arguments…

It would be awesome if there was an In-N-Out Burger in Denver.

Long sleeve t shirts are a sound investment.

I hated John Fox’s game plan.  Incredible game and full credit to the Ravens but the way this season ended reminds me a lot of the last season of LOST.  No resolution or closure to the season.  Hard to believe it even happened.  We were all trapped on this island all season looking forward to something that didn’t happen.  No need to produce an elaborate character list but I am going to take the liberty and cast the main cast.

John Locke – Peyton Manning.  Everyone was looking for answers from him during this game.  Relating Peyton’s neck surgery injury directly to the fact that Locke could miraculously walk again after they crashed on the island.  The two have been around forever and know what to say to get you going.  At the same time you are still stuck on some weird island in the Pacific or in Broncos terms, you get the #1 seed only to lose and just get stuck in offseason purgatory.

James “Sawyer” Ford – Joe Flacco.  I’m not a Flacco fan at all.  The guy could buy me a Hard Rock Cafe franchisee and I still wouldn’t like him.  Regardless, I am throwing him into the roll of Sawyer for two reasons.  Already mentioned it a bit but no one really likes him that much.  He doesn’t have the reach or personality people want to soak up.  Sure he can play but in this day and age, athletes’ personalities are on display more than ever through social media.  Having a favorite athlete is now so much more than a stat line.

Second, in some ways he is a conman.  Somehow Flacco trolled Division II football teams at University of Delaware for a few years then had his Uncle Hugo drop him off at the Ravens training camp one summer afternoon only to land the starting job.  Maybe the dude got his act together there and learned how to use his talent.  But maybe, he just wanted to enjoy the perks of being a star football player at a school that didn’t take things as seriously as major programs.  Like Flacco, Sawyer was a classic conman before landing on the island.  His game was hanging out in small towns along a coast line running programs on well off women, securing the assets, then pulling a Harry Houdini on them.  Both men just waited for the time to be right, stopped their underachieving ways, and took advantage of their opportunities.  I don’t think I’m stretching too far there.

Kate Austen – Ray Lewis.  Pivotal character.  Commits some crimes.  Seems to have a nose in everything.  Wouldn’t be the same without them.
Ben Linus - John Harbaugh.  Evil. Scheming. Ready to let it all hangout for glory.  I would not play poker with these two unless “playing poker” was a cover for drinking a scotch older than me.
Jack Shepard – John Fox  Leader.  Conservative decisions when it comes to survival.  Arrogant in some senses but overall someone you feel good about trusting.  Everything is fine until you find out they are responsible for casting Nelly in the Adam Sandler version of The Longest Yard.  Naturally trust starts dwindling and when big decisions require action, you second guess the play calling.  Also, Jack Shepard’s real name is Matthew Fox.  There is an off chance they could be distantly related.  #teamfox

 

 

 

Underwhelming.

their job is to catch passes, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!

Unlike this Pumpkin Ale from Brooklyn Brewery I am enjoying in Austin right now, everything about the Michigan State game left me feeling underwhelmed.  Following two encouraging but just decent showings against Boise State and Central Michigan, we had a chance to shine.  Each year Michigan State feels disrespected, underrated in rankings and perception.  Finally we had a chance to make our statement against a BOLDED rival.  Set up better than a Martha Stewart dinner party, ABC trusted us with a coveted primetime spot.  This was THE GAME.  Our #SpartanDawgz were supposed to come into the Woodshed and validate our program.

Instead, we saw our offense produce three points and fail to take advantage of field position.  Andrew Maxwell consistently overthrew receivers, forced throws, or made timing errors.  Dan Conroy pushed field goals wide (SERIOUSLY THOUGH, ON NCAA 2013 HE IS OUR HIGHEST RATED PLAYER). Bell rendered useless as Notre Dame stacked the box with 8 guys.  Michigan State should be embarrassed of this loss from execution to play calling.  What was supposed to be a program win turned into a program loss.  Mark conditioned us to expect certain things.  First downs, defense, a signature trick play, touchdowns, dry humor, golf tees with khaki pants, and expectations have come with the Dantonio era.

Fall air and triumph were supposed to dominate the night.  Not mistakes and almosts.  No one made plays.  Right now, we are far from the team we advertised ourselves as.  Notre Dame kicked us in the mouth.

looks like Notre Dame prayed harder and planned better

Each side of the ball proved underwhelming.  Whatever, I know it is not a B1G game and we can still go to the Rose Bowl but I wanted more.  I expect a lot of our teams now because of the way they speak and convey success to the public.  Could not help to think players on this team, the team that mustered three points against ND, were the same players chirping Michigan for their performance against Alabama two weeks ago!!  Where is the fire now?  MSU still kills me.

Disappointed.  Just disappointed.  We played like jerks.

One a side note, I appreciate players tweeting about how we will bounce back etc etc more generic sports talk but how do you not show up for one of the two BOLDed game on the schedule?  I just expect more.

In other news, we are still undefeated when I wear my MSU Air Force Ones.

Go Green.

 

 

Death of a Salesman: 2012 Edition

A note to those without a clear direction and a glowing personality:

Sales. At some point you will hear that you have the personality for it. Witty, quick on your feet, the capacity to create trust quickly, courage like a lion, and the notion you might be able to make a living off your “personality” — all of these factors attract distracted folks into “the force.”

“The Force” is a faceless army of educated people who did not take the time to truly reflect on their strongest attributes during their education. They were negligent for many reasons. Drugs, blogs, activities, and alcohol helped to distract them and delayed the inevitable: that one morning they will wake up, look in the mirror, and realize they have been repeating every day for the past 10 years in a pseudo-Groundhog Day reality.

No one wants to be Bill Murray.

If they are lucky, they might get to go to a conference now and then, wear that semi glossy shirt with a metallic tie from Express, attend a few workshops, then hit a few networking happy hours with the ladies from Planned Parenthood L.A. However, in reality, they are wearing the same outfit they wore to homecoming junior year (Mom will point this out), playing Fruit Ninja on the company iPad (limited version because you know they aren’t paying for it), and trolling around with some hogmollies they just met with a name tag with so many smiley faces on it their name is not even legible.

The Force will invent clever ways to glorify cold calling. I remember getting my first sales gig and telling my girlfriend’s parents I would be doing “proactive business outreach.” Looking back, I feel like a real jackass. I really hope they laughed about it later but hey, I was 22 years old, just graduated from college, moving to Denver, and in love.

"I thought things like this get better with time." - Beyonce

“I thought things like this get better with time.” – Beyonce

Senior members of The Force encourage you to develop your own style or pitch. After some light role play with other members, you will need to incorporate buzz words in your pitch because it’s not strong enough. Phrases such as “What can I do to get you on board today?”, “On a scale of one to ten, what is your interest level?”, “Is price the only thing holding you back?”, or “What are your needs?” intrude upon your social vocabulary. It will only be a matter of time before one of these pops out at the bar forcing you to vacate.

Contrary to popular belief, two things unite members of The Force. Tall tales exist within The Force.  People claim to love educating about great products and others insist the left side of their face looks odd so they love sales because it covers up the imperfection all day.  It is a fool’s errand attempting to convince someone money and the potential to get off the phone don’t drive business.

The money is easy to understand. Being able to afford cable maybe even HBO, buying that one thing you have wanted forever from Restoration Hardware, or affording that subscription to GQ is an extremely empowering feeling. Take a hard look at the commission structure presented before you start daydreaming about taking your Alpha Program (main squeeze) to Brazil for a week. Lions will not always be Lions.

Back in my selling days…a term conceived to instill a sense of privilege by Satan himself. Dare to ask your boss to help you with some cold calling? More likely to get Jay Z in a Mets hat.

Bottom line, it’s not happening. Instead, they almost always come and sit by you texting emoticons to their spouses while you flounder around in a pool of confusion and uncertainty.

I urge you to take time to find out what you are actually passionate about, hone those skills, then make a run at it all. You can always fall back on sales.

Yours Truly,

CJG

Opening Thoughts – Michigan State vs. Boise State

Coming into this season, both programs can relate to the Daughtry single “Life After You” entirely too much.  Kirk Cousins and Kellen Moore are legends each of which has brought their school to new heights through play and leadership.  Personally, I hate to see Kirk go because it means another quarterback era has come and gone.  Remember the battle between Kirk and Keith Nichol?  At the time, I was really high on Keith who had been competing with Sam Bradford, later went on to win the Heisman and was selected #1 overall in the 2010 NFL Draft by the Saint Louis Rams, for the starting postion at Oklahoma.  Seems like yesterday…

Andrew Maxwell grabs the reins in a less dramatic fashion yet cannot be too complacent.  Connor Cook is smoother than a shot of Burnett’s to a college freshman.  He showed off his toolset during the spring game while filling in for the injured Maxwell.  No one should be concerned about Maxwell’s sprained knee from a physical standpoint, however, missing the spring game did not help his team leadership stock.  Kirk, blessed with a healthy career, never missed a start or a practice for that matter.  As soon as he was the starter, it was his team.  Rumor has it Kirk was asked to be King Leonidas in 300 but declined because it would take away from practice time.  Saw the copy of a thank you note Gerard Butler sent him for validating his career.  Unfortunately, he ran off and made a movie with Katherine Heigl.  C’MON MAN.  My point is that Maxwell needs to leads this young offense through play and passion while staying healthy.

A Friday night game to start the season in East Lansing is as rare as someone liking Pitbull.  It is going to be a SNAKE PIT.  Spartan Nation is thirsty for football season and Mark Hollis, cheers, has yet again done a wonderful job setting up an open bar to start the season.  Unlike some schools, Wisconsin…if there an FBS team they haven’t played, we are showing off our talents against a team known for “bringing it” early on in the season.

Boise State traditionally plays a one or two game season.  Since their conference is so weak, they seek out high profile opponents early in the season to make their annual BCS argument.  Over the past 4 years, Boise State has opened with Virginia Tech, Georgia, and Oregon then relied on their seasons to make a case for one of the big bowl games.  This year will be no different as we are one of the favorites to win the Legends Division.  They will be ready to make their mark on the season by knocking us off on national tv.

All we know is both coaches are known for their trick plays, each team will be breaking in a new quarterback, no one is going to class on Friday or Thursday for that matter, and everyone is excited to see the new scoreboards.

28-17 Spartans

Go Green,

CJG

 

What is Trunk Beer?

Trunk Beer - A trunk beer is a rare form of beer, which for reasons passing understanding, has been aged (forgotten about) in a friend’s trunk only to reappear and become highly desirable when booze is scarce. Common trunk beers include Miller Lite, Bud Light, Keystone Light, and PBR.
Example: Hatham showed up late to the game and forgot beer so we had to break into a fresh case of trunk beer Weston had in his car.

so refreshing

My Top 5 things to do in CO for Spring/Summer

58 14ners, a myriad of microbreweries, 300 days of sunshine, Cheeseman Park, low humidity, white water rafting, skiing on glaciers, bloody mary bars, The Little Man, tubing, shows at Red Rocks, Rocky Mountain National Park, camping, water skiing, mountain biking, rock climbing, cook outs with bears, low humidity, Vail, baseball, Wash Park, wildlife, and noosa yoghurt.

I have lived in Denver 2 ishhhhhhhhhhhhh years and have never been on the light rail (random fact).  Aside from Riley Wyman’s suggestion, I feel compelled to share my secrets with the internet so my pals on Michigan State’s ultimate team can look forward to Nationals in Boulder even more.

1.  BOCO is a good place to start.  A haven for the unknown and slightly removed from reality, Boulder is a very appealing destination for people looking to hang out.  Obama recently traveled to Boulder, gave a speech at the Coors Student Event Center, had yogurt spilled on him, then left.  If every trip I made to Boulder were that satisfying, I would never leave.  Pearl Street is a piece of work.  Big cities like New York and Chicago have tons of street performers but none quite like this place.  So far my highlights include seeing a man with a bad case of the munchies eat a cockroach, a turtle play All The Small Things on the keyboard, and a team of mini remote controlled helicopters lift a small dog in the air.  Boulder is also home to some outstanding restaurants such as The Kitchen, Pizzeria Locale, and The Med.

2.  Tubing.  There are plenty of rivers to choose from to ride down but my personal favorite is Boulder Creek, basically Mother Nature’s lazy river.  I will show you the wild side.  I will make frequent comparisons as to why it is similar to Mario Kart.  Repeat until full.  Never wear sunglasses when tubing.  There are grown men who make a living off of snorkeling for fallen Ray Bans here.

3.  Red Rocks.  There is something extremely extraordinary about this place.  There are plenty of excuses to come play here.  I hope to be going to Avicii and Foster the People this summer.  Best known for the concerts, Red Rocks also offers a vast amount of breathtaking hikes with views of Denver and the rest of the front range.  The Denver Film Society also offers showings of classic movies here in the summer time (June 8th – August 11th) during the week for $10.  To experience the joy of working out at altitude, people also frequent Red Rocks for their workouts.  Get creative or check out classes by It Burns Joe Fitness for free bootcamps!

4.  Micro Breweries.  They say that Colorado is the Napa Valley of beer, you will not disagree after a visit.  I don’t even want to get into this too much because I will get pretty thirsty and it’s pretty early in the morning right now.  Seriously though, this place has more microbreweries than Call Me Maybe has views on YouTube.

5.  One of the most beautiful places on earth,  St. Mary’s is full of activities.  A scenic drive from Denver up I-70 to Fall River Road puts you in the parking lot of Eclipse Snow Park which stopped operating in 1984 but still has poles of the T Bar up.  On a side note, very fun to kick around there and find a cool place to picnic but it is private property please be respectful and discreet.  After a quick 3/4 mile hike (bear left at the two forks), you will be greeted with this view.

From here, anything you see is yours.  The cliffs to the left are perfect for jumping.  The water in the lake is fed from the glacier making it perfect to swim in the summer time.  You can only see the base of the glacier from here but it extends up about another 700 yards and is frequently being used for year round skiing and snowboarding.

Reality is, there is so much to explore here.  Sometimes you are just driving and see something like this…

If you are still looking at your computer screen at least be looking up flights.

 

 




A Friendly Wednesday Engagement

Facebook engagements on my newsfeed are officially more common than a game of slap the bag at a house party.  Recently inspired, this post is for the ages.  Maybe I just can’t understand this whole engagement thing since I screwed it up with the only girl I have ever truly loved, but c’mon couples, give us some insight on the creativity or lack there of in the proposal when you post.  Share it!!!

This post will expose one of the more memorable first dates ever.  I am not revealing the name of the girl to protect her identity nor the name of the establishment because I still go there quite frequently.  Enjoy.

Denver, Colorado December 14th, 2011

I leave work around 5:15 and head to the bar next to the bar I’m meeting this girl in order to get my head straight before diving into this date.  I met this Filly through my relatives friend who lived in Denver therefore, I have no idea what to expect.  An order of chips & salsa and an old fashion later, I was as well hydrated and ready as the Splash Zone at Sea World.

As I make my way next door, I think about Kirk Cousins, an American Hero.  No reason why, but I take this as a sign to part my hair to the right, avoid the check down receiver, and go for the hail mary.  I wait outside patiently waiting for my play to develop downfield, code for waiting for my date to arrive.  She arrives, glowing with excitement (apparently someone put in a good word for me awe yeah).  Invision Taylor Swift minus the giraffe like qualities.  Game time.

Since I am an F list North Denver celebrity, they allowed me to slip our name to the top of the list.  After some small talk mostly concerning the excellent job Clarks did curing the leather on my belt, we are seated in a somewhat open district of the restaurant.  Overwhelmed by the selection of small plates, I find myself referencing a phrase my father once quoted…Let go or be dragged. I order one of every appetizer, a cucumber collins, and a billionaire’s margarita.

Conversation is flowing as deep and steady as the Nile River.  The ambiance rivals the sensuality of a Chanel lipstick commercial.  Limitless enjoyment, 9 combined cocktails, 14 small plates, 1 salad, and 2 appetizers has me looking at a bill larger than Justin Bieber’s fan club.  Abruptly, she rips the bill from my hands, looks over the damage (significant), reaches for her purse, and instead of a wallet, pulls out a shiny object.

Rattled, I now find myself engulfed with curiosity over the shiny object on the other side of the table.  It’s a ring of some kind but it somehow projects a deeper, more serious quality I can’t put my finger on.  I look up and am immediately greeted by a wide and equality mischievous grin.

“Connor, I have had an amazing time tonight.  However, we both know we got a bit carried away.  I really don’t see why we should stop now.  Here is the plan.  Take this ring, finish your drink, and ask me to marry you.”

Similar to the feeling you get when you first wear a fresh pair of socks, I find myself overly comfortable.  This cannot be reality.  This is completely crazy, unorthodox, and morally questionable but for some reason I find myself compelled to grab the ring, finish my drink, and get down on one knee.

Adrenaline Blackout.  I wake up to raucous round of applause.  She said yes.  People are patting me on the back.  She kisses me.  I stand up feeling like George Clooney after a round of good scotch.  Soon, the manager of the restaurant has made his way over to congratulate us.  After a sturdy handshake, he instructs us to enjoy the rest of our evening.  The bill is on the house tonight and there will be no debating.

Touchdown.

Let go or be dragged,

CJG

V necks: a look you can trust more than Daniel Craig’s intuition

Being a man means embracing simplicity.  5 minute showers,  standing up to pee, 30 second phone conversations, Sportscenter, one watch for most occasions, and the ability to dress more casually yet look incredibly well put together…

V necks offer what it takes to come alive by altering the most hopeless bro into a dapper gentlemen.  With summer rapidly approaching, you need to think about V necks from a practicality standpoint as well.  Science has proven V necks are second only to American Sunglass Straps (pictured below) as the best place to hang sunglasses from while indoors or doing a kegstand.

the practicality is compromised by looking like a total frat matt

the practicality is compromised by looking like a total frat matt

I’m going to weight in on 5 favorites: GAP, H&M, American Apparel, Lacoste, and Lululemon.  So join me as we raft down this flowing river of fabric and take a plunge into a world of  ambrosial beauty.

A celebrated favorite, the Lacoste V neck muddles one’s inner prep with early 20s reality. Senior picture?  more like resume picture
Lululemon, credited as the inspiration responsible for creating the girlsinyogapants.com movement,  gives men a wholesome yet nutritious look similar to 2% milk on cereal.
 American Apparel V necks are infused with botox, always wrinkle free.  Keep this in mind friends, chances are this V is going to spend more time on the floor then on your body…naw mean? #teamOPJ   GAP V neck = more potent than feta cheese but also playing well with others (cc: topsiders, wafarer shades, & casual sport coat)

Go Green. Go White.

On lookers go wild for the bottomless H & M V neck, think ULTRA FEST wild or first time eating In-N-Out Burger wild. (see hat) cc Miami Music WeekHair fiber, Bleu De Chanel, Rag & Bone raw denim, a brand new pair of topsidlers, & a contrasting double V is going to attract more attention than the premier of The Hunger Games.  Gabe giving is his best “blood in the sharktank” look.

Keep in mind a dash of chest hair is a top accoutrement to a V neck.

V necks, bottomless like mimosas on Sunday morning.

Take a bite of this low hanging fruit,

CJG

The Old College Try

Tonight, I got together with my favorite Denver couple for the photo shoot portion of the upcoming V neck column.  Just giving it the good old college try (sourced & explained below the picture)…Enjoy this and check back for the complete article.


Early 1918, an evangelist put the expression on the lips of the great Giants manager John McGraw.  McGraw first used the expression after watching a rookie outfielder just out of college miss a heroic catch resulting in a homer. While the “sapient birds of the Giants gave the kid the cackle” McGraw is quoted as saying, “That’s the eye, young fellow. The old college try.”

A newspaper column by Billy Sunday which has a 1917 copyright by The Bell Syndicate Inc. Appears in an Elyria Ohio paper October of 1918.

The Daydrinker’s Manifesto – Shared from TFM (Total Frat Move) which is also similar to a Total Skinz Move

The Daydrinker’s Manifesto

Posted by StuffFratPeopleLike

We will not allow our precious and beautiful springtime daylight hours go to waste. While the weather is gorgeous, and we are young and able-livered, we solemnly commit to spend as many hours as possible boozing our asses off before sunset. We are not sure why, but for some reason that ice cold cheap pilsner of yore tastes even better in the sunshine.

We may spend these daydrinking hours at a pool, or bar, or even in our own backyard…anything can be a good excuse to day drink if you think about it long enough. March Madness? Daydrinking. Turned in your homework? Daydrinking. Didn’t get run over by a longboarder on campus? You better believe we’re daydrinking.
The strongest among us will rise to the challenge, and continue the alcohol induced sloppiness long past happy hour, though the weak may falter and power nap. Regardless of the outcome, each and every daydrinking binge ends with the same thought: “We should fucking do that more often.”

We will often create escalating dares when we daydrink, as the sunlight hours are clearly the ideal time to be taking risks. “You won’t finish that quadruple,” quickly turns into “You won’t play five straight Celine Dion songs on the jukebox,” and eventually “You won’t drag DG’s anchor across campus naked singing the national anthem.” But you will, because an inherent quality of daydrinkers is that they’re not pussies.

Sports and daydrinking go together like Dwight Howard and Bipolar Disorder. Even the most insignificant of 13-seeds become your basketball messiah, as you drunkenly praise each time the Bumfuck State Fighting Retards miraculously make contact with the basket. Casual betting is also rampant at this point, from the mundane (“I bet they beat the spread”) to the outrageous (“I bet number 24 goes down in the fourth with a high-ankle sprain”). Daydrinking often tends to be a very easy way to lose money.

But is it truly money lost? While your precious daylight hours could have been spent on something far more insignificant like class, doctor’s appointments, or masturbation, you instead chose to rise up to the proverbial challenge. While others slept or jerked it or actually provided a service to society, you decided to get drunk to the point where morals are an absolute afterthought.

We are the daydrinkers. We will not “slow down” or “take it easy” just because you’re upset we show up at 6:00 flipping tables over for the sheer thrill of it. We will succumb to peer pressure, and never let our brothers drink alone. We will order a double whiskey drink at the bar just to get started on the right foot. Others may despise our tomfoolery, but we press on. We are the daydrinkers, and we like to party.